I had a really tumultuous relationship with Sam for about six years on and off at the time, which probably was a red flag to begin with. But I was young and in love, and he was “the one.” The timing with us was always wrong. We’d both be seeing other people, but always gravitated back to each other regardless. We would stay up all night on the phone, bitching to each other about anything and everything.Everyone says your first time should be with someone you love. Well, here’s something “everyone” didn’t tell you: just because you lose it with someone you love doesn’t mean you won’t regret it. I certainly do. While I loved Sam very much, it was not at all the right time. When I look back on it, I don’t have a pleasant memory.

One night we were talking, and the topic of sex came up. He was curious, I think, if I had slept with someone. I was shocked that Sam would even propose the idea that I would lose it to someone other than him. He was relieved; “Good because I love you, and I want to have that experience with you.” That’s funny because he wasn’t a virgin. He had actually lost it to my ex-best-friend, but that’s a whole other story that we won’t get into now.

Then something terrible happened: one of my best friends ended up in the hospital with a fractured skull and was put in a medical induced coma. I was a complete mess, but Sam was there for me. He always answered my calls, no matter what time it was. He comforted me and let me know that it was going to be okay. But it wasn’t. My friend died a week later. When I found out, I immediately called Sam. I worked with my family on the weekends and my mom didn’t want me to drive home myself, so he came to pick me up. I remember sitting on the curb, bawling my eyes out when he pulled up. I got in the car, put my head in his lap, and cried while he drove to my house.

He carried me into my room and sat on my bed, but I felt sick and decided to take a shower. I think I stood there for half an hour just in complete shock. I didn’t know really what was going on. I put on my towel wrap, moseyed back into my room, and curled up next to Sam. I felt safe. He kissed my forehead, then my nose, then my lips, and before I knew it, we were having sex. I don’t even really remember it because I was so mentally removed from the situation.

He stayed with me that night, which was nice I suppose, but then I didn’t hear from him for a month. I had just lost a dear friend, my virginity, and Sam. Eventually, we talked and moved on, and even dated for two more years. It was not at all what I had wanted, but it happened. I couldn’t change it, I had to move forward, and I did. But still, I wish I had been strong enough that night to say something. To not get caught up in the moment. To take that moment and that act more seriously.

While I regret the way it happened, I don’t regret who it was with. I loved Sam, and he was the right person. I just wish I had waited for the right time as well.